living on a highway

my heart is sinking. the words I use to write so easily are failing to come out. My mind is drifting away, through miles of aching and sorrow. my oh-so-sweet life is drowning. I don't know where or who to turn to. I don't know what to expect of the next so frustating minute. and it feels like my whole day is planed around waiting for the next day, never really living the present. I want to be sure that she will come back. I want someone to guarentee me that the waiting is worth it. I want to know so many things and I fail to know it all. I've been living in this world for fifteen years and 3 months today. Yes, I do count my time on earth. If the clock stopped ticking for me right now, I would not be surprise. In fact, I guess death will not surprise me anymore. I don't take for granted those I meet everyday, the laughs I hear every moment. I do know that they can dissapear forever. My oh-so-happy life vanished just like that as well.
Today, I do miss her. I think about her every now and then and a tear always wants to reach down my face. I think of how happy, how lovely and how enchanting it was to be able to be with her, to laugh with her, to be me. and her. just like that.

But that happy, lovely and enchanting time is over now. And God so wants me to see more of those feelings down here on earth. He gives me the sun everyday, so I can feel warm. He gives me the sky, so I can feel I'm free. He gives me clean air, so I can breathe in peace. But oh God, you forgot to give me strenght.

tonight, as I sit outside, I talk to the moon, little darling. she seems to understand. the way she shines brightly everytime I blink at her, I bet that's you. I know that's you.

It's close.

lets say i havent been posting a lot. well, almost never now. I don't know why, I use to rely on this blog for the good and for the bad times but it seems like friends and the perfect boyfriend have become particullary helpful, even more than love words writen on a little internet place that no one visits. I don't care, seriously. I just like the though of writing here, in my own little world, hoping the one person I so miss dearly can see it from above.
It's the fifteenth of january, 2011. A new year has begun once again and it began happily. I spent lovely time with friends and family and I even wished upon a few stars, that this year would bring nothing but health, love and joy.

I knew january was coming and with it, the sadness and the heart grieving. It's not that I haven't get a little better but it still hurts. I have tried to 'let go' as they say but it still feels wrong not having her here. It still feels wrong stepping into our high school and thinking how much she'd love to be there too. It still feels wrong to be happy about silly things like we use to, even though she's not here to laugh as well. I have understood that sometimes, while I'm laughing with my girlfriends, I stop and put my hand on my mouth just as if I had done a sin. It sometimes feels wrong to be laughing and then thinking that I can't be laughing, that I use to laugh with her and I don't anymore. The sadness is always there, sometimes it takes away the fun of a girl's night out.

I shouldn't say this but I can only write what's on my heart and right now, it feels wrong to even 'breath' without her here. I remember that sunny january moorning at my old collegue, I remember everything. I remember coming down to pick up my brother at our old primary school only to find out my world crashing down from the high. I remember that 5 years ago today I would be thinking about her recovery and praying she'd come home soon. I remember knowing the truth and only truth and being frustrated for endless weeks. I remember thinking 'why' and why did God take her away? I remember being sure that she was better than me, more genorous, more humble, more human. And I guess that answered my question 'cause God only takes the very best. He broke my heart to proove it.

If I could say anything to her today it would be thank you for changing me. Thank-you for always being there, even when you're no more. I've come to believe that you can be alive and mean nothing to other people if you don't achieve the values that God wants you to while sometimes people who are gone forever might help us to understand that they have done what God wanted them to, they have brought the purest love and it will outpour from Heaven and shine us all for years to come.

I miss you Marta, I really do.

fourth november two thousand and ten

it is true. I am no longer a child. chocolate birthday cake. sparkling candles. colourful dots. pretty candies. extra candle. tasty orange juice. lovely time with family. Love. I am thankful in life. I do. I don't usually take the time to thank my friends for being there, right next to me, but I couldn't be happier or more satisfied. I appreciate them like a glow of sunshine on a rainy day. today, I'm crying of joy. For having them, for loving them. Because God gave me a blessing, and He keeps amazing me every single day with his love and strenght he gives me. I am stronger today, a lot more than yeasterday. weaker though, than tommorow.

I remember I use to fly in wings of love, in wings of childhood. I use to laugh as loud as I could, to tell others of how much happy I was, how much loved I was. I use to climb high mountains, to tell others I'm tall enough, I'm strong enough. I even use to smile, to show others I am brave on the inside. today though, I'm laughing to warm my heart, to make it a little bit brighter. I'm tall enough today, and stronger than ever before. I smiled too, and my heart can't be more happy. Today I want to say thank you, to whoever has taken the time to help me trough something, to whoever God put on my way.

I remember being very little, very very young when I noticed a ray of sunshine. It came straight to my eyes, but instead of turning away, I stared. How much light, how much beuty. My world lit up. And that little light, I'm gonna let it shine.

I lie in bed tonight with 14. Come tommorow, I'll wake 15. God bless the day.

I'm empty. Did I mention that I hate the days I come home very soon? Did I mention that I hate carrots not because of their taste? Did I mention that it still hurts to eat ice cream cones? Did I mention that I still have her number on my mobile phone? Did I mention that Halloween still feels a little strange? Did I mention that we were just about days to sing her happy birthday? that the next second november two thousand and ten she would be blowing fifteen candles? Did I ever, for a single second, mention I miss her more than words can tell?

Happy Early Birthday, Marta.

she.

I woke up the other day feeling I had to take a photo. I failed to make it though. My compact camera has been low, very low. It doesn't work. I managed to pick up my other compact camera. same problem. I reached out for my dad's fujifilm but it's gone. two brocken cameras and a lost one. I don't know what happened here, but I need to have my photo taken. now.





My calendar is inserting some nervosims and longing here. in my heart.


I've dreamed of her for a couple of months, maybe a year. And I'm finaly having her on christmas day. Dear Santa Claus, a happy early thankyou!

Inês

xx

Today.

there was a time I use to dream. I sat and dreamed awake. I wondered about the colours in the sky. I marvelled in the air. I breathed slowly. I catched butterflies. I smiled. I was so happy.

There was a day. A few years ago. I woke up, I dreamt. I sat and dreamt awake. I wondered about the colours in that moorning sky, I marvelled the foggy air, I breathed slowly. I saw some butterflies, I caught them. I smiled from ear-to-ear. I was so happy.

Just hours after that, my world sinked. I knew and I knew and I knew. I knew she would never come back again. I felt it. I felt she would become an angel very soon. That somehow, her place wasn't here on earth. She closed her eyes and openned them no more. I knew she was almost gone. I cried. I though about all that time with her. It had been sincerely amazing and it was vanishing. Cancer was winning. It was obvious. Her mom held her hand and told her it would be just fine. to let go.

4 years and 8 months ago today, God called an angel.
I love you and I miss you, prescious.

We've found you.

Through the last couple of years, we searched for a child. It was not because my mother couldn't have biological children but because we wanted to help someone else. We wanted to become a foster family. We've realized it is difficult, even more difficult if the child is young. Just the other day, we've found her.

there she was. sitting with crossed legs. face hiding in their hands. her whole body sinking.

'Hi' my mother said.
She looked up but said nothing.
'If you don't talk I can't help you'.
'My name's Leonor' the girl eventually pronounced.
'So why are you here, Leonor?'
'Nobody likes me'
'Why do you say that, Why don't you go home?'
'Because it's true, and I don't have a home'
'Where you do live, then?'
'In the college to where all unliked girls go to'
'I am sure somebody loves you. Your mom?'
'My mom dumped me there. She has only visited twice in seven years'
'Oh. Your dad?'
'My dad use to hit me and left me with no food for days. They took me away from him'
My mother started to realized the life Leonor was leading was no easy thing.

'But hey, you can't stay here forever. Why don't you go back to the college?'
'I only have two girlfriends there. They got mad at me because Of a boy. I can't help it. He likes me and I can't do anything about it'
Mom agreed with her head.
'You'll have to have lunch, take this' Mom gave some money.
The girl smiled and promissed she'd be back to tell her what she wanted to do.
When my mother came back from lunch, the girl was waiting in the same place.

'So, Leonor, Have you though about what you wanted to do?'
'No, sur. I just don't know. It's like I'm lost'
'I can drive you to your colege'
'Would you do that for me?' her eyes light up.
'Yes, of course.'
'I loved talking to you, You're really someone helpful' she said.
Mom was proud of herself, in some way.

She took her in, and said Goodbye. The Girl smiled and thanked her.
When she was already going out, Leonor came running at her, hugged her and whispered 'thank you so much' . Mom was touched. She gave her the phone number if the Girl needed anything.

The next day, she appeared on my mother's work. With a friend. She said she was there to thank my mother. She too said, that there would be a party saturday in the college for parents and friends of the pupils. She looked down.

'I don't have caring parents. I don't have friends who like me. You're the only caring person that I've found. Could you come?'
Mom couldn't say no. She called the director of the school but she already had a non answered phone call from him. He told her it was great if she could come, that she had made Leonor much happier then before.

So at 2PM, saturday - mom will go to visit her, as being her friend, as being someone she loves.

This is just to tell everyone that sometimes, you try so much to help the others around when there are people right before your eyes that need your help more than ever.

May the angels proctect you.
I x

I forgot.

"Mourning is not forgetting, It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied, and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust" ~ Margery Allingham

In the midst of the summer, in the rush of hot new days, I clearly forgot something. I still don't know exactly how but yes I did, and I feel ashamed. Nobody told me that along with missing, griefing and mourning, there was forgetting. I still remember her voice and her loud laughs and her face. I still can smell her fragance if I close my eyes. But I can't feel her touch anymore. I forgot how it felt like. I forgot what it was like to be touched by herself. I simply disire not to. Time will keep on coming and I'm scared. I fear I'll forget how her voice sounded, how she'd smile in the moornings at the school's big door. I fear and I fear and I fear. And I don't know what to do not to forget.

Today is just not one happy happy day.

I x

mum, oh mum.

It all started 9 months before 4th November 1995. The comception. Yes, I was thiner than a toothpick, and yes, maybe smaller than an ant - but I was loved. For 9 long months, I waited. She waited too. Among family and friends who were excited to see me. 9 months went by before they could think of a name. Yes, 'Inês' came out of nothing. After spending the last weeks calling me 'Rita', she decided I wasn't her. I was her beloved Inês. At 10am of that freezing day, the fog became a little lighter and the rain stopped just a little bit. And just as it, after 13 hours of birth, I was out. Out in this world. She looked at me. She wondered, she cherished, she embraced what she had in her arms. Her first child, her little girl. I spent the first hour of my life looking at her, admiring, loving and cherishing my mother.

It's been 14 years from then on. 14 years and 10 months since I first opened my eyes. And my mum, oh she is still here. I fail, too often, to show her I love her. I've always been the kind of toddler who didn't enjoy cuddles. The kind of child who skipped goodnight kisses. But I loved her, no doubt.

In the middle of this 14 years, we cherish what she have. I mean, the love. The path would have been more difficult if she was not there, by my side. And even when she wasn't phisically there, I knew she was thinking about me. Like that time I managed my first canter at a horse riding lesson. Like that time I fell off my horse. Like that time around 2006 when my favourite doll was cut by my 7 year-old brother. And yet, I felt her there. Most of the times I calmed down, it was to please her. To make sure she though I was calm. But she never did. Mom, oh mom you know me better than anyone else. You saw my ups and downs. And no, today isn't mother's day, it isn't your birthday either nor mine. But I still had this aching need to say I love you. And that I'm thankful and glad for these years.

You know mom, I'm just... thankful.

I x

pretty things & missing them

Thank you Sarah so much for designing and creating such a cute look to my blog. I could not be more thankful - it is beutiful. I've always wanted something like this and I'm so glad someone so nice could do it for me as I don't understand this kind of things.





Today, I'm missing those (I'll dare to call them) 'OLD' times. My greastest friends have dissapeared in a blink of an eye to go home and we were left alone. It's such a cold non sense feeling between all of us. We do miss them and we want them back but they live where they live and can only visit us at some holidays. I'm hoping on the 17th Auggust they'll appear on the airport and wave us goodbye as we head off to Jamaica. I'll be off for 1/2 weeks, it depends if Algarve gives me it's lovely internet connection. Anyway, these are us. And all I miss right now.

love,

Inês.

Kayleigh.

"Some days there won't be a song in your heart. sing anyway" ~ Emory Austin.

It's been a normal day apart from the glowing moment I saw her face. Bright. Beutiful. magical. There she was, with cute dimples and shinning eyes, and a a faithful heart. Her name is Kayleigh. Kayleigh Justice. I learnt that this very beauty-full 4 year-old was battling a monster. It's name is Neuroblastoma. Stage 4 high risk Neuroblastoma. He faces Kayleigh and tries to beat her down every single time he comes around the corner. Kayleigh stands up, though, and shows him who's the boss in the game. She never gets tired and always sticks the most gorgeous smile in her enchanting face. This little girl is the daughter of a nurting mom who loves her two wondurful children - Valerie Riggs. This woman's been fighting alone for her daughter's life. She stands up every single time cancer comes back, and she helps Kayleigh never let the cancer touch her sweet and free spirit. It never did.

Kayleigh needs prayers and hope and faith - for her sweet and prescious life.

Please, stay tuned.

"You've got a face for a smile, I know!"

blessed

Tonight, as I headed for the maccdonald's restaurant, I noticed the sunset in the horizon. It was a stunning perfection of the sun blending in the sea, far far away. I promissed myself I'd end up having dinner and would head off to the sandy beach, take off my shoes and run to feel that endless freedomn. It's just that I took my camera - too. A friend, and a bunch of giggles and smiles to share. We ended up sitting in the rocks, smiling at each other, deciding either to use flash or not and writing "I love you" messages in the sand. The result was a bunch of pretty pretty memories to keep, freezed in time and in this beutiful and breathtaking evening. A soft melody filled the air while I ran happily past a fisherman. The old man smiled at me. I smiled back and just stoped to see that lonely fisherman's look while he couldn't reach any fish. Just in the middle of this heartwarming evening, I forgot the time as I knew but I swore - I'll never forget you.

summer - it's just here

sensitive thoughts.
bright white walls.
bells of the chapel ringing.
busy bugs on the laptop screen.
fizzy tasty drinks for lunch.
bunch of lovely people.
vanilla smell everywhere.
stary night sky.
long, long nice talks.
beutiful walks through the town.

it's been a beuty-full summer time.
I x

Back for good;

I'm just back from a relaxing, selfcalming and brilliant Algarve holidays. In the midst of it, we smiled, laughed, shared good moments and enjoyed the peace. Most of all, we had a wondurful time in Praia da Luz. The resort was nearby the beach and it was filled with flowers all along so that's why I grabbed my camera up and took tones of pictures. There was so much to say, but really, the love filled up my days with grace and it was stunning. The wheather was just so hot that sometimes I could barely breath. The landskape was breathtaking, aswell.





Blogging has become fun and photography is now a passion instead of a hobby. I just feel like I'm tearing myself apart and not in the bad way, just that I'm lost and confused about my future plans and so much rolling through my head. I wanna be a mom. I wanna have little girls who I will dress up in the sweetests outfits and cutest shoes and flowering hats but I wanna have stunning little boys to play soccer with and run in the poodles and turn our sofas durty and masculine. I wanna stay here forever, and watch the birds fly in the calmly silence that takes the day into the night but I wanna be free and run the whole wide world, too. I wanna be a lawyer, and stand up in front of government leaders, just the kind of thought that we can save the world, just us. But then I wanna work out with photography and cinema. I wanna have a husband and a family, but then I wanna grow stronger and by myself, and just cross the world searching for the meaning of life.





whatever desteny gives me and wherever it will take me,


I will always be.right.here.

the story

pardon me, I think I've always been telling you about how much I miss Marta when I've never even told you WHO she is and WHAT happened to her. I'm so sorry; I had never noticed it before! So I'll close my eyes, take away all my tears, find some strenght from inside and holding back the memories, I'll write here...

Marta was this lovely, beutiful and enchanting little girl. She was born the 2nd November 1995 and she was just the sweetest thing. She had the most beutiful curly brown hair and deep green eyes. If you'd see our Marta, you could notice she was looked just like an angel. Marta loved playing outside in the backyard and running around the refreshing machine in the football court. We'd run together without shoes in the grass and that must have been the most simple but so beutiful memory I still hold. Her voice was just like the melody of Heaven. She had it sooo pure and her loving soul could be heard throughout her words. I can still remember Marta talking to me, teaching me her beutiful life lessons along the way. Marta came to this world to give only love. She was just that type of little girl that you'd love to have as a friend. You'd see her and you'd think how beutiful she was and how responsable and polite for her tender age. She was very shy but she had an open mind to almost everything. She loved butterfly kisses and she loved her mommy; Oh she was just in LOVE with her mother. They got along so well and they were like bestfriends, also. I could go on and on and on telling you about her and how wondurful she was. That heartwarming little girl changed my life. But I would never stop so I think it's time to let you know what happened. June 2005 was our last school party. It was the summer party and we loved it! We posed for the anual picture. Our very last picture. I never knew I wouldn't see her alive again, that was never part of our plans together. At that time of the year, Marta was perfectly healthy, at least, though to be. Back in that year, in late November, she started complaining about bruises on her body and some other sympthoms so she was taken to the nearest hospital. Later that day, she was ruched to the pediatric emergencies only to find out that she has Leukemia. The news were desvastating. Through months, my beutiful bestfriend fought like a hero. In middle January, 17th 2006, at the tender age of 10, Marta closed her eyes in her hospital bed, and went to play with the angels. We had booked the 18th January to go playing outside and just as it, it vanished. All her life. All our plans and hopes and dreams. Everything was gone. And another 10 year-old girl lost her bestfriend that sunny moorning of January. It is not fair.

Poem writen by her mommy and dadda before she left the school;

"Marta La Fuente Forbes Bessa"

Martita went, so very pretty,

so very little,

to her little school.

Now she's a little lady,

and very clever, there she goes,

to another big school.

Marta with her eyes,

big and green, and

curly brown hair,

very beutiful, there she goes,

running in the fields of green

butterfly kisses,

mommy xoxo

From António Nobre,

Marta will take many happy memories,

Her teacher Gina will always be,

close to her heart.

Heart bitting very fast,

time to say goodbye,

she's going to 5th Grade,

green eyes filled with hope,

a bright future ahead, for her life.

Daddy is thanking you all too,

for having taken care of my little girl,

in whose face,

a very shinning light comes through

Goodbye, Goodbye,

untill someday,

long great life for all of you.

Daddy ZÉ, xoxO

And I still I'm not sure if it's time to say goodbye. At least, even after 4 years, I'm not prepared.
ready? set? please don't go.

I x

do you cloud-dream?

I've come across sheye's blog again to see the last updates but came out to find this lovely website from Fran (what a lovely mind!) called cloud-dreaming. It's so calm and gives you such a sense of relax and breaths and lovely things. I feel absolutely amazed at how imagination can lead us, and to what it lead Fran to. I'm really willing to give it a try. I've attached this image of Heaven; who I soo adore and get lost in it.

More little news...
Carolina was ruched to hospital early this moorning to stay till sunday. She's so vulnerable and little and sweet and oh-what-a-cutie kind of girl. I wonder why this happened and wonder how can we solve it out. That was my big great mission in life. you can see her in her website called Carolina's Hope and leave your messages. I do appreciate them and sure my family will, too. She is going to hospital to change her diet with some new healthy products who will be good for the development of her brain - I think. But as this day I've been thinking of my little boog-a-boo princess and little cutie, I decided to leave you some "old" photos. I love you soo much, carolina!

p.s : I'm re-creating Carolina's website and building a new one which will be more interesting and helpful in the mission to find the cure so keep updated on this! I have been thinking of ordering a Layla's hat so the money could be given to her foundation and our little hero could get one for herself! she'd look so cute with it though she hates things mom puts on her curly hair. She's a tomboy .

Inês

xx

(Not to) be remenbered;

Gandi once said

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it";

I couldn't agree more with him; It's so true and so sad - all at once. Living a whole life leaning on strenght and being the best you can ever be, and then waking up to find that in a couple of years, no one will ever remenber you. No one will think about what you did, what you said and all the beautiful things you ever got to experience; Nobody will ever recall your name to say you build a website to help others or wrote a dozen of words in a blog, inspired by someone and wanting to help. It's so sad, so wrong. But what about Her? And what about all these people loved by so many across the world? what did they do that I can't do? Nothing. They acted wondurfully, they said some beautiful words, they changed many minds because of what they got to say or what they got to do. But what does it mean now that they're gone? everything. Our universe is how it because of those people. People who fought so bravely for others and to help. People who never gave up. And Have you look around to see what your friends are doing? what your family is doing? something to change the world? No? and why is that?
People don't believe. They act like normal, randmon and ordinary human beings. What do they think those people who changed the world had in their minds? Happiness? Joy? well, not really. I'm absolutely sure some of them were crying inside, grieving like us, feeling sorrow, despeer and missing someone, too. But they did never give up. And the point is that nobody believes anymore. Apart from all the bad feelings they had, they Believed. To be someone speacial to this world, to be able to be remembered for the good things you did, you have to Believe. You can't just go down your way and expet someone to change your own little world. You have to help, to be someone, to do the best you can in this brief time you have here.

think about; why were we given life?
to wake up and go to work and arrive home late in the evening, frustated and tired? To eat all these types of wondurful fat food and going to the mall to buy things and do your shopping? to what, tell me.

I'm convicted that I know it. We were given life for so many reasons, some of them so clear. Like loving your children; But there are more, still. Reasons behind your belief. Reasons that were born with us but for some reasons, many have made it fade away; like loving yourself. But most of all, our biggest reason for why we were given life was to make this world a better place. Not to expet someone to do it for ourselfs. Be yourself, strong enough to believe you can be remembered in a million years. That people will remember what you did, what you said, who you helped.

But, before thinking about being remembered, think about helping. Think about that it's actualy not important to be remember for many years. You'll be long gone when they speack your name out. And thought it might sound like a true dream for you - it's nothing special. what makes you speacial is being youself. People don't have to say "thank you" or love you very much. You have to feel confortable and your mind has to tell you, that you always do your best. That's exactly what being special means. You know, even if you're never remembered, even if they forget about you forever, there are people who will eternally be thankful for what you did. For the words you lovingly told them. For the moments you were there. Even when you don't notice their gratitude, deep inside they're thanking you from the bottom of their hearts.

Don't ever wish to be remembered; Just so you remember life is too prescious and what you're doing here might not be significant for upcoming genarations, but in the hearts of many, many people, it will be a very shinning, golden gift - and then you'll think "that's because of me"

I x

{ready, set, don't go}

It's been a painfull, heartbreacking and sad time of my life. I just miss her. I just want to hold her hand and tell her it's ok, that we're together. I just want our secret talks back, and all our hugs and all our laughs. It makes me cry, really, to know this easter is just one terrifying time who will be repeated every year, troughout my life. I've always loved special days, but loving that now it's impossible. The pain seems to grow stronger by the minute, by just thinking she's not here anymore. I think of that every single day, but this special days are harder. I still remenber her everyday of my life and I still try to recover every memory we both have but it's not the same and it will never be. For her, I want to grow stronger. For her, I want to help other children in the same situation and for her, I want my heart to be changed and be able to help other troughout my grief. It's true that I'll always miss her and long for her, along this way but if missing Marta feels like this, and I can't avoid, I want to take a positive part of it, even though it's hard to say there's a "positive" part. I can help others and show others how to be brave, even though I'm not the best example of braveness. And I miss her and want her back, and somehow I still feel she's nearby sometimes. I don't want to loose the memories I still have of her, of her wondurful bittersweet voice and of all the smiles we shared. I don't want her soul to leave this world, her body had phisically left in 2006 but I'm sure she's still here, somehow. Watching me, helping me breath. I know and believe so. So, darling, whenever you want...

Ready.
Set.
But please don't go.

I x

{reflecting}

a truly wondurful homecoming. the holidays were amazing, and I got time to relax and to try to move on. I didn't, thought. It had some hard days and they were even harder than the usual. I don't really know why. most of the time, I was sad for Her. My lovingly wondurful Girl. And for the easter she'll never get to experience. So today as this is Easter, I'll head off to my Memaw's home and before I wanted to leave you a few escapes of the week.
Please visit Layla's foundation who was lovingly set; www.remenberlayla.org

I'd like to ask you to reflect a bit on you life, as well. I'm not that type of relligious person who takes much time in the church or something. Not at all. But sometimes it's important to take a look at everything we have and cherish it and appreciate it. Because all over the world today, there are families griefing for their children and families searching for them when they should be home enjoying easter. I don't even like Easter a lot. I hate sundays because people are always kept at home and it's like nobody seems to move on and to walk out to the road. I like confussion, the simpliciness of the day is to be enjoyed calmly within a few moments - not a whole day! And sundays it's all about staying at home. It's like the world stops and just moves on all mondays. But my world already stoped one day and I truly don't want to have it parked in the highway of life, again. So Happy Easter for all of you who like this. Liking or not, there are people who like and who should be celebrating it happily. sad. most of all, Easter is just about sadness for me. will soon upload some holiday pictures.

Just because... I'm not happy at all.

{all at once}

Arrived yeasterday to Algarve. sunny. warm and most of all, calm. I always love to spend holidays here. Easter is for relaxing, summer is for fun. It's cold now. The wind is blowing stronger and stronger and the empty swings are starting to make those noises they always do. There are always plenty brittish girls here. all blonde and green eyed. Empty swings. Dark nights. little Brittish girls. they're just a remind really of what isn't here anymore. I always have a hard time on my very first night here. I make sure the windows are completely closed and the door is too. I make sure there's no way out or in. It scares me, thought, when mum comes to say Goodnight and shuts off the lights. And then I hear those scary and frightning noises. and then I stop and stare everywhere. and then I hide my face in my pillow and try to forget. just try. But then I keep on looking around, scared that someone might come and take me too. Scared that the man who took her can still be outthere, out my door. I look like a Baby once I'm ready to sleep. I try hard to hide myself bellow the blankets. Mum says it's ok. Her mommy once said it was ok too. To not to be scared. to close her eyes and that they'd come to her soon. She wasn't scared. she closed her eyes. But when she openned them, mommy or daddy or sister or brother or any other person she knew wasn't there. It's scarying and terrifying that such Baby had to be taken away, so soon, so tragically. No matter how much posters I put up in the strees, no matter how much tears I let hit the floor or how much times I think about her, she is still not here. And I try to remenber every single thing. Every slidge of her voice, every tone and every sound she made. And every footstep and every time she danced, sang or simply trew herself to the floor. and everytime she'd buy new pink shoes and everytime she'd laugh, smile or cuddle with her family in the sofa. And everytime she'd catch the tennis court's balls and safely put them together in the box. And everyday she went to the beach, and every ice cream she bought and every seabath she took. And I remenber and I cry. and I cry for everything. For knowing that she's not here anymore. And for the school year without her. And for the draws pending in the fridge signed by her. And for the artcrafts that lie safely in her desktop. And for the empty bed she left behind and for her bedroom dolls that haven't been touched since then. And for all the clothes that are still handing in the closet, waiting for her. Just like us. And for every day we had. And for every single word we said. And for every game we played and for every laugh we shared. And for the hugs, the kisses, the embraces. Most of all I cry for her. And I wonder. I wonder where she is. I wonder how she is. How she looks like and everything related to it. Is she taller? Is her hair longer? Does she know how to write her whole name down in a paper? And I wonder for everything. For the times we never had. for the times we lost. For the moments we'll never get back. For the years and for the future. And I wonder and I pray. And I pray for her, for her recovery. For every child outthere who is in the very same situation. And I pray for every mother, every father. Every family who has to lie down in bed without giving a goodnight kiss to their sweet Babies. And every sister who has to remenber her big buddy by pictures, just like my Amelie. And for every brother who has to hear the silence of a no-longer happy home, just like my Sean. And for everything we've been trought and every family who has to be trought the same. And I love. And I love the people who keep on searching, who keep on dreaming of the day she'll come home. Who keep on searching for her, who keep remenbering that Hope will never die. Most of all, I remenber her. I cry for her. I wonder for her. and nevertheless, I pray for herself too. That the angels, the Gods, whatever they may be, take my Baby home. Just like that. simple as it. Give me a smile, once again. Bring her back. that's all I ask. All I want. Bring Madeleine Back.

for more info go to www.findmadeleine.com
I x